Review of “Noah”

I’ll never look at the song “I’m On a Boat” the same way again.Noah2014Poster

Noah is the story of, you guessed it, Noah and his amazing Ark. However, the two hour story this movie has to tell is far from the classic, rather cheery “two of each animal waltzed on board and went sailing with Noah” tale that the Bible and most churches would have you hear. Instead, this version of the story keeps things to God’s perspective of it, which is that humans are bad and that they all deserve to die like guppies in a piranha tank. It’s a brutal, upsetting and cruel movie, and one that definitely deserves to have its time in the limelight.

Starring Russell Crowe as titular character Noah, Anthony Hopkins as his grandfather, Emma Watson as his [surrogate daughter] and Percy Jackson as his son Ham, big names in this movie are aplenty. But big names aren’t enough to float this boat (insert stupid Noah’s Ark joke here)!

The movie itself is about forty-five minutes too long and that really drags the experience down. I love watching Russell Crowe mumble and bumble his way around as much as the next guy, but seriously speaking, a good chunk of this movie is excess fat that could easily have been shaved off.

My other gripe with Noah is the so-so CGI, which looks more in line with Jack the Giant Killer than it does a movie of this caliber in this day and age. There was only one scene at the very beginning with a single CGI animal that things looked realistic. Afterwards, everything derails into a mess of digital effects that no avid movie-goer could possibly buy in to.

Aside from those two things, Noah is great, in a really depressing, aggravating and upsetting sort of way. It makes you really look at how f*cked up people are, and how even God himself might be. It also reflects on important issues today such as pollution of the planet and our obsession with using animals for food when Noah himself states there is no reason to kill these innocent animals.

Noah is not the kind of movie to bring a child to, by any stretch of the imagination. A few examples of Noah’s surprising not-R rating are multiple scenes where people get axed in the head, an especially upsetting scene where a girl gets caught in a bear trap and then trampled over (bone-crushing sound effects and all), and a few brutal scenes of animals getting torn open and internal organs going everywhere. And I’m not even spoiling the fun of when the flood begins. This is not the Noah you saw as a kid.

-brutally realistic take on what would happen when humanity reaches its lowest low
-brutally realistic take on what a flood would look like when it kills millions of people
-shaming view of humans being the worst creature in the animal kingdom, makes you respect the monkeys
-solid plot (although it had a little source material to work with)
-Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins, Emma Watson and Percy Jackson!

-way too long
-CGI effects deserved a bigger part of Noah’s $125 million budget

Overall, if you’re going into this movie with a religious mindset you’ll come out angry, as the movie portrays both humans and God as complete dicks. Otherwise, if you just want to see a Darren Aronofsky film that makes you feel like total crap (in that special kind of way, though), turns you into a misanthrope and completely contradicts the classic story you grew up on regarding a guy and his boat, this is the movie for you. In short, I really liked it. It makes you think about the human condition and just what it means to be the most violent and worst species on the planet, in the best way possible.

2 thoughts on “Review of “Noah””

  1. This movie was simply the worst piece of crap I have seen in a very long time. An utter and total waste of about 2 hours. The only thing that adequately explains a plot like this one, is perhaps, drugs. Not the light easy going stuff either, I mean the really hard core junk. Nothing else makes any sense. The writer/s, producers and director must have been under the influence. I have seen some bad movies in my time, but this one is without question, the worst. I can’t understand why/how Russel Crowe and Anthony Hopkins agreed to be part of something like this. The plot was anorexic at best, and God, I won’t go on about the rock creatures. Total and utter trash. Whatever point the movie was trying to make was totally lost in a mess of mediocrity. Not even Crowe or Hopkins could save this one!

    1. Interesting use of the word anorexic. Also, in regards to your plot complaints, it wouldn’t really be feasible of them to make a two hour movie just about animals boarding a boat and sitting in the ocean all day, y’know? Gotta expand on the source material somehow.

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