Team Sonic Racing Review/End of the Weekly Cycle

Well, I managed it for a few months, but at this point, it’s time for me to come to terms with the fact that the weekly posting schedule ain’t happening. Alas. Besides, there’s not enough worthwhile news for me to keep up a good output of parody articles like the Batwoman one. The world is simultaneously too cringe inducing and, yet, not cringe-inducing enough!

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As I cope with these shocking revelations, enjoy this fantastic review of Team Sonic Racing, which happens to closely align with my views on the game. Hell, the reviewer even mentioned the Babylon Rogues. Funny, I thought I was the only one who remembered them.

Anywho, thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll follow me on Twitter for more hot-off-the-press blogging and game coverage.

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The CW Is Ready to Save Television with Batwoman

The first Batwoman teaser dropped yesterday.

I saw it.

I’m shook.

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Right off the bat, just looking at the casting decisions within the first thirty seconds of the trailer, I’m confident the CW has finally learned what it means to have a truly representative cast. Sure, we’re still stuck with a single grumpy, milquetoast white male, but beyond that, all I see are strong women in real positions of power. There’s a female police offer. A female public speaker. A female news reporter. A female villain. All of whom are racially diverse, might I add. The ratio of women to men is an unprecedented 4:1. Compared to the CW’s usual roster of stale, white-male-dominated television such as Arrow and The Flash, this is a welcome breath of fresh air.

And though I gush about the supporting cast, I wouldn’t dare forget to mention Ruby Rose, the star of the show. Everything about her simply screams “punk rock.” She’s unapologetic. She’s sassy. And, oh, she’s a lesbian. Not one of the quiet ones Hollywood usually uses to “subtly inject nuance” into a story, either, which is just mansplaining for “we don’t support on-screen LGBTQ depictions.” No, Ruby is loud and proud about who she is, and the trailer makes sure you know it by portraying multiple scenes of steamy girl-on-girl action.

And don’t get me started on Ruby’s dialogue. “So I have this thing with rules,” she says, as she blatantly defies the rules. And then she tells off a man who informs her Batman’s suit is literal perfection, responding that it can only be perfect once it fits a woman. One could spitefully, bitterly argue both this line and her closing line about “not letting a man take credit for a woman’s work” are both a bit empty, given that her caped crusader career hinges on her adoption of technology pioneered by the man himself, Bruce Wayne. But that argument is invalid unless the showrunners themselves go somewhere with it, because unless they decide that’s a take worth exploring, I and the other Batwoman fans don’t have to listen to it, or you, pissed off white guy reading this article. Because you are a toxic, entitled, fake “fan,” just like all those who hate on Disney’s Star Wars and Game of Thrones season 8. You’re jealous of seeing a woman succeed. And here’s the thing: We can see that motive in your words, clear as day. You’re not fooling us, no matter how many times you claim your criticisms are “legitimate.”

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But let’s not dwell on negativity; this trailer is meant to foster positive vibes. It’s a new era for women, one where they’ll no longer be held back by anatomy or social standing. Batwoman‘s looking to make it known that the CW is going to be standing on the right side of history when the patriarchy finally caves in on itself, and I’m on-board.

One last thing that really psyched me up was the gender-bending of the Mad Hatter. After all, toxic masculinity tropes always ensured the Mad Hatter was as deranged and evil as could be, but swapping in a fresh female face for the role ensures that Batwoman will have a deliciously batshit insane enemy to face off against; one whose reputation doesn’t hinge on unhealthy male characteristics. I’m inclined to believe that after Johnny Depp’s whole “situation” and standard white-guy take on the Mad Hatter failed in Disney’s recent Alice movies, the CW knew it had to go bold with its take on the character. And nothing says bold like Harley Quinn 2.0.

Those are my thoughts on Batwoman; let me know how you feel about it down in the comments. Thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll follow me on Twitter for more hot-off-the-press TV and movie coverage.

How Dare There Be Ads on My Free Blog

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Credit: Some crafty memester on the deep web

I recently became aware that WordPress has been displaying the most unsightly, disgusting ads imaginable on my site. I’m talking the “doctors hate this 1 quick trick” ads with pulsating, moving images of pimples; stuff of that variety. Viagra ads. Ads advertising other ads. You name it.

But as much as the raw imagery of these advertisements appalls me, I’m far more perturbed by the simple fact that they even exist. How dare WordPress have the gall, the unfettered gall, to display promotional content on my site. My site, which is entirely possible due to their free service. My site, which owes its layout and web hosting status thanks to WordPress’ generosity. My site, which would not exist without their multitudinous free offerings.

In short, I’m sorry, non-Wordpress readers, for your having to suffer through some nasty ads. And as for you, WordPress, I hate you. Thank you for your free service.

Avengers: Endgame Review

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MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD:

This review’s definitely not a day late, because I’m setting it to have been posted yesterday. And just like the movie, I don’t care if that’s cheating, because the entire film is made up of time travel tomfoolery like that.

Here’s the scoop: Endgame is just three hours of fun and genuine excitement, and definitely feels like an “event” more than any other movie before it. However, that’s all it is. An event. A trip to the carnival. Heart-stoppingly intense? Yes. Much less of a shitty comedy and more of a proper drama than previous Marvel flicks? Thank God, it is. A fitting conclusion to the MCU as we know it? Give (Captain Marvel) or take, sure.

Minus one cringe-inducing girl-power scene where a crying, weak little Spider-Man hands a plot McGuffin over to the hyper-masculine, stoic, and emotionless Carl Manvers, followed by a funny group shot of the women banding together to accomplish nothing for a hot sec while the guys kick back and let their female counterparts feel good about themselves, the movie was pretty good when it wasn’t defining heroes’ worth by their genitals.

But you already know all of this. You’ve read the reviews. “Fan-service” this and “I love you 3000” that. All the normie takes have already been made. So here’s my brilliant, totally original take: The Russo Bros. are lackluster directors. It’s been this way forever, they just happened to fool me with Winter Soldier. Their scene direction (and its accompanying editing style) is choppy and custom-built for Instagram posts, and I can smell their television roots in every scene.

Their style lacks grandiose. This sad phenomenon is especially visible during action scenes, when the Russo Bros. fail to capitalize on the epic nature of the heroes they’re in charge of.

Take, for example, a bad-ass moment when Pepper Potts teams up with her husband to kill some aliens. Both of them are in Iron Man suits and it looks awesome. Her armor is flared out like a purple phoenix, and Tony’s is doing that badass unibeam attack that deserved to crop up way more often in the MCU. The camera circles around them super-duper fast, showing them doing these epic maneuvers back to back with each other. It’s great. The pacing is electric, the choreography is fluid, everything about that shot is fantastic–except for the fact that it’s over in three seconds (the link to the clip will probably get taken down by YT, but I’m being literal when I say three damn seconds).

That kind of moment deserves, hell, at least ten seconds, just so the audience can process it, digest it, and then revel in it. The issue is, Team Russo (TM) only cares that audiences process it, then they move right along without giving anyone the time to savor it. It feels lazy, like they didn’t want to properly manufacture tension and think out genuine ways to extend the choreography to reach peak potential, so they cut away the second they’ve done just barely enough to “satisfy” the masses.

Think back to the stunning action sequences in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 for a moment: every one of those featured a kinetic flow and sense of effortless endurance that puts each and every Endgame action scene to shame. Also think about other superhero films, like those directed by Christopher Nolan. Nolan never shirked away from challenges like the ones mentioned above, which is why his stellar Batman trilogy will be remembered long after this film and the majority of other MCU flicks.

That last line sums up my feelings on this movie: great, but not memorable. The Russo Bros. just aren’t in the business of making films that leave a lasting impression, beyond their utilization of superficial narrative parlor tricks like the ending of Infinity War. As another reviewer stated, this movie is clear-cut pro-forma storytelling. I’m inclined to agree.

Rainbow Six Siege: The 3 Best and 3 Worst Operators

Rainbow Six: Siege is a competitive first-person shooter grounded heavily in tactical team-based gameplay, meaning you need to choose the best operator for your squad’s needs when you play. But not all operators are created equal, and some can provide a much larger advantage to your team than others. If you can have an advantage right from the character select screen, why not take it?

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Get ready to brush up on who the champs (and chumps) are in Siege’s ever-expanding roster, so you can be prepared to best assist your team in competitive play.

 

6.) BEST: ValkyrieValkyrie

In a game that’s all about having eyes in as many places as possible, Valkyrie’s assortment of relocatable cameras can give the defending team a massive edge on any map in Siege. To balance this out, drawbacks include that she only gets a few of them and they’re easily destroyed, not to mention that Siege‘s shoddy netcode means her cameras can’t see enemies who teleport all over the map. Still, if used wisely, Valkyrie’s cameras can provide intel that ends a match before it begins, especially if used in conjunction with a low-tier scrub teammate who plays Mira.

 

 

5.) WORST: CastleCastle_SWAT

Castle has fancy barricades which, at least on paper, should be great. Unfortunately, almost everything breaks them. Repeated punching, breach charges, Ash’s drill ability, Sledge’s hammer, strong gusts of wind, etc. Really, these defensive structures are nothing more than a minor inconvenience. And for someone with a subpar set of guns and little to no utility beyond the aforementioned barricades, Castle’s about as bad a choice as one can make when selecting defensive operators. Just another prime example of Ubisoft’s blatant casual racism, what with them making the game’s premier black male operator a complete joke.

 

 

4.) BEST: CaveiraCaviera_model

Having a good Caveira on your team can be the biggest defensive asset in all of Siege, as her ability allows her to interrogate singled-out opponents and reveal all enemy locations on the map. The trade-off here is that the 50% of the time you fail to successfully interrogate anyone on the enemy team, your own squadmates will verbally abuse the shit out of you and call you a “fucking scrub” for picking “the weakest operator in the game.” If you use her ability to its fullest, those same teammates will then magically stop talking. Of these people, whoever refused to give you shit in the first place and understands Caveira is a nuanced, risky character will have proven themselves a worthy ally. So use this operator if you want to suss out who’s worth adding as a friend on Uplay.

 

3.) WORST: TachankaTachanka_Spetsnaz

While Tachanka is a lord in the Siege meme community, he’s little more than a glass cannon in the game itself. His mobile turret is basically useless against anyone who knows what they’re doing and will leave you as a sitting duck for the enemy. And, speaking of ducks, what about the lame duck that real-life counterparts to Tachanka helped get elected? Are we not going to lambaste Ubisoft for supporting and endorsing the very kinds of Russian agents who helped topple the United States’ democracy? The fact people like Tachanka are even in this game proves that Ubisoft hates Americans. Disgusting.

 

 

2.) BEST: Chat Auto-ModeratorTaaahxic

Use this operator if you hate yourself but somehow hate the enemy even more. With this operator, you can pull sleazy maneuvers in the chat, such as typing “what’s a synonym for “a bundle of sticks”?” in order to draw out nasty responses and get the players who wrote them auto-banned for life. Seriously, if you get an opponent to type anything even potentially capable of being construed as offensive, such as “nibba,” “sucker,” or “dumb fuckin’ degenerate who should be mowed down in the street like the rat bastard they are,” you will ensure that their account becomes completely unusable thanks to Ubisoft’s developers’ life-threatening fears of bullying. Apparently, every dev at Ubisoft was mercilessly bullied in elementary school, and that influenced them so strongly that as adults, they decided anyone who was a “meanie” deserved to be ruthlessly cheated out of $60. Of course, this fun little bit of dev diary trivia is neither here nor there.

On a final note, be careful with this operator, because they support nuclear-grade friendly fire! Not only can you kill your teammates with this operator’s special ability if you accidentally bait them into saying something like “u r bad,” but you can get them banned for life. So only use this character if you’re playing with people who believe in safe spaces.

 

1.) WORST: BattleEyeyHA7SDg__400x400

This operator’s claim to fame is that it can crack down hard on Siege cheaters. Sounds like a useful fella to have on your team, right? Wrong. As it turns out, BattleEye is the weakest piece of “protection” your team can have. Wallhackers, aimbotters, pieces of shit who use trainers online, and all other manner of hack-employing scumbags can still use their pathetic software boosts online without issue because Ubisoft didn’t balance BattleEye whatsoever for Siege‘s meta. Seriously, while Chat Auto-Moderator is out scoring easy wins for its team by getting someone blacklisted from society for saying “fucker,” BattleEye can’t stop people from using codes and scripts intentionally and explicitly designed to ruin the game for other players. It’s incredible how useless BattleEye is. Worst operator by a mile.

(If you like what you’ve read here, don’t forget to follow on Twitter for more gaming coverage.)