Review of “Transformers: Age of Extinction”

I swear to God I remember reading about Michael Bay saying something about Transformers 4 being “smaller-scale and more intimate”. I swear I remember.

Forgive the Transformers license, for it knows not what it does.

I just don’t even know where to begin. Should I start with the hideously written story? No, too easy. The cliched, phoned-in “relatable” human characters? How about the shoddy visual effects that long overstay their budget’s maximum run time capacity? Or the fact that Marky Mark somehow manages to provide an even worse male lead than Shia LeBouf?

When governments see that water-boarding just isn’t effective enough, they’ll resort to showing this. I mean, Michael Bay FUCKED UP THE GIANT ROBOT T-REX! Grimlock had such promise in the trailers. Such promise. But Michael Bay somehow managed to diminish his screen time to the point where the thirty seconds or so of him from the trailers is all you’ll really see in the movie itself. And let me remind you, this travesty lasts three hours. By my calculations, that’s 00.72% Grimlock, or put more understandably, 99.28% GARBAGE!

Not even Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch of teenage jackasses could save the day. Jack Reynor plays the absolute douchiest guy I would never let my imaginary daughter near, Nicola Peltz plays the ditsy blonde girl who is “secretly” smart under the whole four inches of clothing she wears, and MARK godamn WAHLBERG, the only other (previous) hope for this movie besides Grimlock, is written as the most ball-less, geeky-ass father that no one ever wished they had. I can’t even blame him, per say, due to how hideously his character was written. The writers have committed, what I believe to be, a human rights violation.

I’d talk about the plot, but that would insinuate that there is one to talk about. And I wouldn’t lie to you guys. It’s the typical “the Transformers were here before Shia LeBouf” story, which actually gets kind of cool midway through with Stanley Tucci’s character, but is soured at the very end by the inevitable cliffhanger where (spoiler ahead, but fuck you for caring about a Michael Bay Transformers movie’s plot in the first place) MEGATRON ESCAPES FOR SEQUEL-BAIT. Oh wait, I meant Galvatron. Oh wait, I don’t care.

I would say the saving grace of this movie was the initially stunning soundtrack by Steve Jablonsky, who usually does a great job, but even that is tainted: one third of the soundtrack is a fucking Phillip Phillips music video. Jablonsky has some eerie-ass and solid synth rhythms going on here and there, but like I said, the folk-pop-rock shit pollutes a good chunk of this movie.

The silver lining: Lockdown, one of the primary antagonists, is actually really kick-ass. His theme is Jablonsky-genius, his ship is awesome, and he is probably the only character in this movie who deserved to live for the sequel. But, oh wait, they killed him off.

-Writing is garbage, characters are garbage, the CGI budget basically evaporates after the first hour (quickly devolves into Maleficent-level shitty visuals), they ruined Marky Mark, Megatron is being milked like a twenty-teated cow

-Lockdown and Jablonsky team-ups

In conclusion, if you haven’t gotten the hint by now, go see this movie. Maybe you’re the audience it’s catering to. Because this movie is an Age of Extinction, alright, and Optimus Prime sure as hell wasn’t lying when he said it was human extinction.

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