Team Sonic Racing Review/End of the Weekly Cycle

Well, I managed it for a few months, but at this point, it’s time for me to come to terms with the fact that the weekly posting schedule ain’t happening. Alas. Besides, there’s not enough worthwhile news for me to keep up a good output of parody articles like the Batwoman one. The world is simultaneously too cringe inducing and, yet, not cringe-inducing enough!

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As I cope with these shocking revelations, enjoy this fantastic review of Team Sonic Racing, which happens to closely align with my views on the game. Hell, the reviewer even mentioned the Babylon Rogues. Funny, I thought I was the only one who remembered them.

Anywho, thanks for reading, and I hope you’ll follow me on Twitter for more hot-off-the-press blogging and game coverage.

Team Sonic Racing’s Roster: Wait, We’re in 2019?

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SEASIDE HILL (for the sixth f&^%ing time) — Aaron Webber has just confirmed on Twitter that we are not, in fact, in 2013, as Sega of America had previously claimed. It turns out, we’re in 2019! Two-zero-one-nine! Six years have passed! In that time, we’ve apparently received only a single main series title, and it ended up being a sloppy Generations sequel. What? What is this trash?

As Aaron Webber is now stating, it turns out the past six years weren’t just a bad fever dream: there was indeed a villain in the Sonic series named Infinite—a villain Sega is completely glossing over for TSR in order to cram in the fat cat who ruined Sonic Adventure 1 and the grumbly red guy from that one Wii game no one remembers. Wait, was it a Wii game, or a Wii U game? Wasn’t the Wii U just DLC for the Gamecube?

Anyway, none of that matters. What matters is the horses#!% going on with Team Sonic Racing. What is up with that roster? They included Vector, but not Espio or Charmy? That’s like including just one of the Three Musketeers in a Disney movie. Are they f&^%ing stupid?

Also, where is my boy Metal Sonic? No, not that Metal Sonic. And no, definitely not that one. Nor this one. No, I’m not talking about that one, either. This Metal Sonic. How could they forget a character so primed to satiate the game’s fan service quota?

And while we’re at it, what’s up with the game’s title? Team Sonic Racing? Not “Sonic Team Racing,” the perfect title pun for an imperfect developer that had minimal association with the game itself? Not “Sumo Digital Racing Feat. Sonic and Co.”? Not “A Sega Production by Sumo Digital with Sonic Team’s Ideas and Jun Senoue Playing Guitar”?

Sega, you’ve disappointed me for the last time. After writing you a blank check for the next three installments in the franchise, I’ll consider being done. Maybe.

(For more irrational nonsense, don’t forget to follow on Twitter.)

Team Sonic Racing’s Roster: Why It Makes Perfect Sense for 2013

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SEASIDE HILL — Sega of America has just confirmed that not only are Zavok and Big hard-locked for Team Sonic Racing, but there will be no downloadable content (DLC) for the game whatsoever. This means the current roster, which consists of the usual suspects as well as Big the Cat, Zavok the disabled dwarf dragon, and a team of Chao, will not be changing before or after release.

To all the fans out there complaining about the lack of inclusion of other characters from the series, such as Chaos Zero and the Babylon Rogues, I have but one question to ask: Why? Why are you complaining?

Think logically about this. It’s 2013, and Sonic Lost World is brand-spanking-new. You’re seriously going to blame Sega for including Zavok, who’s the lead bad guy of their newest main series title? It’s called marketing, people. DuUuUh. And as for the team of Chao, think about it: Sonic’s 25th anniversary is three years away. That’s three years of development time. For Sonic Adventure 3. They’re teasing a Chao garden. I don’t know how much more transparent they could be, at this point (it’s not like they’re just going to skip 2016 altogether, after all. It’s an anniversary year!). Clearly Big the Cat is also part of this forward-thinking SA3 marketing. I, for one, am excited for some Big fishing adventures on my PS4.

So before you get up in arms about a member of the Deadly Six, a fat cat, and a group of dopey Tamagotchi pets getting prime-time placement in Team Sonic Racing, really think about why Sega made the choices they did. It’s obvious logic.

Why would you think the Babylon Rogues deserve spots in this game? So what, if they have a perfect team of three that are custom-built to fit the speed, technique, and power archetypes of TSR. And who cares if they are the only characters in the franchise literally designed exclusively for racing games. Honestly, just because they’re perfect foils to Team Sonic, have badass character designs, and have their own successful spinoff trilogy doesn’t mean they should be recognized in a celebration of Sonic’s history. Come on, people. Think more critically with your roster critiques, next time.

(If you like what you’ve read here, don’t forget to follow on Twitter for more.)