Top 5 Most Disappointing Movies of 2015

This section always makes me sad. Very sad. In a medium I love so dearly, why must shit cloud its artistic shelves?

Honorable Mention: A Most Violent Yearmaxresdefault (1)

It’s honestly a good flick, but in no world can it justify its run time. The plot is solid but could be condensed to forty minutes. When I can shave off over half the movie’s run time and still piece together every single story element, that’s an issue. A Most Boring Year is good, if you’re doing spring cleaning with it on in the background or something.

5.) Black Mass
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Damn, organized crime movies just can’t get it together this year. Basically, Johny Depp’s makeup looks ridiculous, the movie is tediously slow without the skilled tension mounting of, say, the Godfather series, the pacing is awful and god help me did they waste Corey Stoll’s character. He singlehandedly could’ve saved this movie if they’d introduced him in the second half rather than the final twenty minutes. There was potential for a great throwdown and the movie just says “use your imagination because it DID happen we’re just not showing it.” No, Black Mass, I go to a movie to SEE cool things. Not imagine them.

4.) Spyspy-poster
If I were viewing this movie as a comedy, what it’s ADVERTISED as, it’d be my worst movie of the year simply because of how awful and devoid of humor the whole thing is. I give it the benefit of being a comedy/spy-thriller hybrid though, as the actual execution of the spy stuff wasn’t that bad. Still, not funny whatsoever. Two chuckle-worthy one-liners are all you get and the run time is much longer than those two sentences, I assure you.

3.) Star Wars: The Force Awakens
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This movie managed to rip my heart out even though I went in with zero expectations. It’s just so soulless. As much as people hate on the prequels, at least they TRIED to tell a new story. This shit is just a shameless rehash of the original trilogy’s plots rolled into one gargantuan pile of Disney money-generating garbage. The story has so many ridiculous conveniences after the first twenty minutes that I honestly couldn’t take it seriously, and my friends and I were laughing from the halfway point to the finish line at how much of a joke this reboot was. And it IS a soft reboot, because if it wasn’t, what the fuck is their justification for calling this Episode 7 when it’s just a supercut of Episodes 4, 5 and 6?

2.) Avengers: Age of UltronAvengers-Age-of-Ultron-Trailer-1-Quicksilver-Saves-Captain-America-570x237

Disney is knocking it out of the park this year with people eating up their shit and throwing money at by-the-numbers cookie cutter action flicks. My issue with this movie is, simply put, it’s the week of Ultron, not the age. He is the most poorly written villain I’ve seen in my LIFE. In the first trailer, he was fucking scary, in a good way. In the movie? He’s a comedian who never uses any of his fucking powers, literally just to let the good guys win. HE CAN HACK THE INTERNET. You know how much damage he could cause within a matter of seconds? He could’ve started WW3 and been on his merry way while the Avengers drowned in a sea of global violence. But no, he hacks one bank account then plays with vibranium cylinders for the rest of the movie. It’s pathetic, and I really hope none of the writing staff are proud of themselves for this, Joss Whedon and his secret ghost assistants or otherwise.

1.) Terminator GenisysNE1PqyiYsqPO54_1_a
At least the other movies had some form of endearment going for them. Some scene or line of dialogue I could pick out and go “hey, that wasn’t so bad”. This movie has pasties on tits, special effects from the 70’s and a lead female who can’t decide whether she wants to be Juliet or Sarah goddamn Connor. The plot is garbage and riddled with the same kinds of awful conveniences and plotholes Age of Ultron and The Force Awakens had, just without even a glimmer of the same charm. Ew. This movie is just ew.

Review of “Terminator: Genisys”

It’s mediocre. Go for Schwarzenegger, or don’t go at all.

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There are a bevy of issues with Genisys, and there’s so many to get through that I don’t think I’ll have time to put them in a proper, well-formatted order. Instead, here they are as they cross my mind.

1.) The CGI is garbage

I cannot believe a high-profile movie like Terminator: Genisys has the worst CGI I’ve seen so far this year. Fucking Spy did special effects better. SPY.

2.) Emilia Clarke was baaaaad

Of course Schwarzenegger was going to be a boss, no one expected any less. Jason Clarke was awesome, just like he always is. Even Jai Courtney was good. JAI WAS GOOD. If he can be good for once, how could anyone possibly be bad? Well, Emilia Clarke showed us how. She played a Sarah Connor unintentionally suffering from bipolar disorder. One moment she’s acting like a wannabe stoic heroine, the next she’s crying naked in the locker room as Jai sweet-talks her. Honestly, while I haven’t seen Game of Thrones, from what I’d heard Emilia was supposedly really good. She doesn’t show it here, at all. But then again… in that show you got to see her tits, so maybe that is warping peoples opinions? Here there was just a lame push-up bra scene and one hilarious moment where they tried to show her full boobs but you could actually see her wearing pasties. Christ, the poor camera work.

3.) There’s no reason for this movie to exist, going by its own plot

The plot has a MASSIVE flaw right from the get-go. The machines have this secret weapon that can instantly win them the war right from the beginning, yet they only use it, once, when the humans are about to overcome them. This is literally just to set up a save-the-world plot, with zero accountability on the writers’ part. The machines could’ve used this weapon a thousand times over years before the human strike team attacked their top secret facility and erased every timeline where a rebellion survived, all before the first five seconds of this movie began rolling. But nooooo, just because the words ‘time travel’ are thrown around a lot, we’re expected to overlook this fact.

4.) It’s just a series of events

Not in the nice, flowing way certain movies pull off. Here, it’s just ‘thing happens, cut to next thing, big thing segues this thing’. It’s like they just made a two hour collection of trailer shots and called it a movie. Cool idea, not at all acceptable execution.

5.) While I’m yelling about the writing and plot, might as well point out the dialogue here is atrocious

I feel like a small fraction of the reason I tore Emilia’s horrible performance to shreds up above is because the writing is god-awful. I at least applaud her for not cringing every time she said something, because if it were me I’d be vomiting after the first table read. This dialogue is some of the worst, most immersion breaking dialogue I’ve ever heard. Seriously, it’s like the writers just looked up “shit ten-year-olds hear in action movies and think sounds cool or emotional” and compiled the top fifty quotes from that list into this movie.

6.) Stupid cliches up the ass

Why, why why why why why does every movie have to have some dramatic, emotional dialogue while the immediate threat is, like, five hallways away? At one point Emilia Clarke is giving this kid some long hand-holding cuddle session on a stairwell to make him feel good or something, while the terminator is marching towards them ready to slice and dice their squishy human flesh. This is the dumbest cliche on the planet. In real life, would you hold a little stairwell circle-jerk session right as a MORPHING ROBOT OF DEATH is on the same floor and coming to kill you and everyone you care about? No, you wouldn’t!

7.) Movie includes the star child from Mass Effect 3

You remember that little glowing blue piece of shit kid that ruined the end of Mass Effect 3 for you? He’s here at the end of Terminator: Genisys to ruin it as well (in case everything else listed here didn’t already). Seriously, star child is in this movie. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

8.) The trailers really DID spoil the best part

Usually, over-marketing doesn’t bother me. I’ll watch the main three trailers for a movie, and maybe a TV spot or two, but otherwise I’ll hold off specifically because I know movies love to put half their runtime up on Youtube these days. To be honest, The Amazing Spider-Man 2‘s trailers didn’t ruin that movie for me. Avengers: Age of Ultron, while still a shit movie, was not preemptively ruined for me because of the three main trailers. Yet Terminator: Genisys decided to include the ONE COOL TWIST IN THIS MOVIE in the second trailer. Not even the third. The second. Trailer. And, having now seen the flick in its entirety, I can say that it was in fact the absolute single clever twist this movie had going for it. Sigh.

9.) This movie can’t suspend disbelief for shit

There’s a helicopter chase where Jai Courtney is being hunted by Jason Clarke, and it’s horrible. The helicopters, besides being constructed of sloppy CGI, handle better than an Iron Man suit; making INSANE turns and whipping around faster than Superman ever could. It’s ridiculous and totally takes you out of whatever experience kind of existed before this scene.

10.) No, really, you don’t understand how bad the CGI was

Within the first five movies you see electricity effects and a CGI recreated younger Arnold, and they ACTUALLY look like assets plucked out of an animated movie. Seriously, the lightning from the finale of Back to the Future was better. That movie is 30 years old. This movie is three days old.

Aaaaand that about sums up everything I have to say about Terminator: Genisys, as far as gripes go. In terms of compliments… well, like I said above, Arnold was boss. Jason Clarke is my main man through and through, and definitely puts on the best show (besides Schwarzenegger). He also gets the best scene (it’s the one where he’s getting sucked into a thingy, but you can see that IN THE TRAILER). Other compliments… um… some of the action was cool. Hans Zimmer does an okay job composing a score, for someone whose music is starting to sound like a collection of factory-produced “bwaaaaahs” rather than meaningfully crafted soundtracks.

THIS is the cool scene from the trailer that I mentioned in the above paragraph.

THIS is the cool scene from the trailer that I mentioned in the paragraph above.

Who am I kidding, just don’t go and see the movie. As Schwarzenegger might say, “I’ll be back”. To which I might respond: hopefully not, Arnold. Or at least, not like this.