Gamerrob State of the Union 12/12/15

As you might have noticed, the Gamerrob name has physically vanished from this blog. In URL, in header text, in visibility as a concept. Where does it live? In our hearts, souls and minds. Don’t get it twisted, though: this blog will remain Gamerrob in its purpose, function and mission statement, the only change will be in the name it’s presented under.

Basically, here’s what went down: this shift to a more name-driven, author/actor/blogger site was long overdue and I’d been meaning to chart this new direction for a while. So when I finally came across an opportune time, in my haste I neglected to think about the repercussions of such a drastic URL and name shift. I intended to leave the actual domain as an archive, yet due to a serious error in judgment when messing around with WordPress functions beyond my current ability, I made it so that Gamerrob suffered an untimely death. I killed it.

Yet, as a phoenix rises from the ashes, so do I. This blog is still Gamerrob. The content (movie and game reviews as well as some literary stuff) will continue to be what you know and love. The sole writer behind it will continue to write. Hell, the freaking layout and fonts will remain the same. The only difference you’ll notice is a change in the domain name, as well as a slew of new, more varied content being introduced into the mix (bits of my own works being advertised throughout various places on the site). I’ll still review the things I love honestly and truthfully; you might just see various think-pieces from me now as well. If you liked what I had going before, you’ll like it now. Just understand that I’ll be adding things, experimenting and growing. Change happens, and even though I unwittingly catapulted myself into this particular instance of it at full-force, the principle stays the same. Change is inevitable, and we just need to soar alongside it to the best of our abilities. I hope you’ll be there with me to do just that.

What If Half-Life 3 Already Exists?

Having recently listened to an interview with Gabe Newell, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe the sequel to the sequel is already out there. This is a completely nonsensical notion of course, but I want to front it anyway.

What if Valve has been continually updating the Half-Life 2 expansions so that in some treasure trove of files hidden deep within the game, the final episode exists? HL2: Episode 3? And what if they’ve been waiting for an eager fan to discover it? What I’m saying is, maybe Valve has just been playing with us all these years because the game already exists and they are waiting for us to find it. Sure, the odds of them secretly releasing a product as a free update/unannounced DLC are virtually nonexistent, but it’s an idea.

Top 5 Reasons Star Wars Battlefront Will Suck

UPDATE 10/8/15: Read my firsthand impressions fresh off playing the beta!

It’s a sad day when I have to make this article. Battlefront, as a series, is one my favorite of all time, if not my number one pick. The first two games were absolute masterpieces, and after seeing the rubbish Star Wars Battlefront Hoth demo at E3 2015, I reinstalled SWBF2 just to see how poorly the series’ reboot stacked up. Turns out, the original two are still as fun as ever and the reboot’s situation is worse than I thought.

5.) DLC plans before the game launches. Now, this is pretty low on the list since it’s (sadly) become industry standard, but that doesn’t mean it’s not sickening, still. The question jingling around in my head right now is, what content is being preemptively cut to be sold back to us as DLC? Which maps are being developed but won’t be included in the base $59.99 game even though they’ll be done before release?

4.) It’s made by DICE. These guys are very good at what they do, which is one thing in particular: making first person Battlefield games. Not third/first person-meshing BattleFRONT games. The footage that’s been shown already reeks of what looks like a Star Wars themed Battlefield knock-off, because that’s all it’s going to be, if we’re honest with ourselves. It’s not going to recapture the magic of the originals. Not to mention Hoth’s map design from the E3 demo looks awful. In the originals, Hoth was a sprawling, wide map of ice and snow that mixed tight corridor battles with tons of room for open, snowy field conflict. The E3 demo has the AT-AT’s walking down single file lanes like we’re in a fucking bowling alley, and an absurd overemphasis on trench warfare. That is not Hoth.

3.) Barely any content included with the game. We’re talking a handful of multiplayer maps (eight, if we’re lucky?) and a few throwaway single player/co-op missions. That’s it. Like, even Titanfall had the smarts to include 15 multiplayer maps out of the gate. This is just despicable, considering it’s going to go for full retail price. We’re reaching Evolve levels of bullshit here (that game just announced its second season pass by the way, lmfao).

2.) No space battles, no single player campaign, no Republic era factions. So, on top of having very little content to begin with, this all comes at the cost of cutting out some of the best aspects of SWBF1 and 2, specifically Battlefront 2‘s amazing space combat. We will not be flying transport ships into enemy carrier hangars and setting loose Rebel brigades aboard Imperial Star Destroyers. Not to mention we won’t even be allowed to play as the clones or CIS, meaning no droidekas (the best class in the entire series), no General Grievous, no bad-ass green plated clone jet troopers, none of it.

1.) Everything, absolutely everything, is wrong with it. They are tarnishing a legacy, solely to get this game out by the time Star Wars Episode 7 lands in theatres so they can make a quick license cash-in buck. It’s disgusting, looking at the corners they are cutting. No space battles, no Republic era, no single player campaign, no offline instant action mode, the third person perspective looks gimped beyond belief, the map design we’ve seen so far is appalling, there’s LITERALLY NO NEW FEATURES to the core gameplay (at the end of the E3 demo it ended with a pre-rendered clash between Vader and Luke, but I doubt they’ll even include Jedi v Sith capabilities in the game. And even if they did, Star Wars Battlefront 2 already beat them to it), and the overall thing is just turning out to be a travesty. If I can play as an Ewok with 4K resolution hair follicles thanks to shiny 2015 graphics, that’ll be the only saving grace in this embarrassment of a reboot.

Why Xenomorphs and Taco Bell Go Together So Well

WARNING: The following post has graphic content (of the urban dictionary variety).

So, I was with a friend and we had some time to kill, so I suggested “hey, let’s go to Taco Bell. It’s been a few years, and I haven’t had their shitty imitation Mexican in a while”. Sure, he hesitated, but eventually I swayed him to just go with it. Point is, afterward I had to go to the bathroom. So, my friend says, “dude just go to the bathroom here then we’ll leave for the movie”. I gave him a two minute monologue about why I was not stepping my foot in a Taco Bell bathroom.

See, besides the Miami Heat logo being a visual analogy for what goes on in those bathrooms, a far more sinister theory arose in my mind as I was trying to explain to him the horrors that would await me in there. I explained to him that if I sat down on one of those God-forsaken toilets, a xenomorph mouth (the one inside the regular mouth) would come out of the little hole in the toilet and toss my salad. Just, picture that for a moment, I implore you. So, after planting that idea in his mind, I started rambling about how Alien: Isolation actually just took place entirely inside of a Taco Bell bathroom, and how the entire thing was just about Amanda Ripley looking for the door handle to escape the whole time (I mean, both Taco Bell toilets and Sevastopol station have horrid lighting, so…). When I was in the moment giving this glorious speech, it sounded a lot wittier, but the basic idea was still worth sharing here, I felt.

My Steam Library’s Shame

The games I detest, like Warframe, have over one hundred hours of my playtime logged. Meanwhile, games I respect and admire such as Europa Universalis 4 have… eleven. Games with literally infinite modding possibilities such as Skyrim have barely a dozen hours each. And exciting, interesting and quirky titles such as White Night lie dormant, collecting digital dust from my disuse.

‘Tis a sad day.

On a similar note, I’ve noticed a sort of internal pang of guilt I feel when I’ve only got a couple of hours logged into a triple A game. I guess this stems from the fact that I typically pay thirty dollars at launch for each of them (fifty-percent off from day one, all hail PC gaming), but a dollar-for-an-hour playtime ratio still feels a bit rich for my blood, even if it really isn’t. I dunno.

If you have any thoughts of your own about your Steam library, feel free to comment below and share your story.