The 5 Worst Movies of 2016

My definition of worst for the sake of this list: anything that let me down so substantially that I feel it was a waste of my time on this earth. Disappointed, wronged, call it whatever you want. I’m calling it “worst.”

5.) Neighbors 2: Sorority Risingimages

This is the kind of inane movie that panders to the brand of feminism people like Laci Green preach. It’s utterly idiotic in every way, to summarize. The jokes fall flat, the characters of the first are brought back for a pointless sequel, Seth Rogen drops the ball, you get the gist.

4.) Sausage Party

And look at that, Seth is back on this list already! The funniest thing to come from his two 2016 releases is the fact I usually like his brand of humor. Yet here we are, with a raunchy, incoherent mess of a two-hour food orgy. Literally. Ever think about the CGI artists who pay for their children’s food by animating a hot dog ass-fucking a bagel? You do now.

3.) Captain America: Civil WarCaptain-America-Civil-War-Key-Art

Civil Scuffle is the riveting tale of two guys who get into a little disagreement and punch it out. There is no consequence to this story and everyone is exactly where they need to be for a clean Avengers reunion by the time Infinity War rolls around. Not to mention the shoehorning of Black Panther and Spider-Man into the movie’s narrative was atrocious.

2.) Gods of Egyptgods-of-egypt

Now we’re getting into the nitty-gritty depths of 2016’s cinematic abyss. I drudged this monstrosity up from the depths of my memory just for this list, so be grateful. What’s to love in Gods of Egypt? The potential it had. What’s to hate? Everything in the final product, thanks to Alex Proyas. If there’s one man whose New Year resolution should be to get over himself, it’s him.

1.) Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justicebatman-v-superman-trinity

Just, what the fuck Zack Snyder. You made Watchmen and Man of Steel but absolutely needed to cosmically balance your resume with Sucker Punch and this garbage, I guess. It’s the most piss-dreary, un-fun superhero affair I’ve ever watched. Superheros are supposed to make you feel heroic. Or super. Preferably both but I’ll settle for either. Here, they’re all just a bunch of raging assholes who like to stab and gas each other like it’s some sort of demented Auschwitz roleplaying session. Fuck. So bad.

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