“This changes everything,” said Jeremy Irons as Alfred. And he was right, this does change everything. It changes a promising start from Man of Steel into complete horseshit.
First off, let’s get to the movie’s biggest most blatant issue. It’s absolutely joyless. I get it, the night’s always darkest before the dawn (though in reality that’s not true) and this is the DAWN of JUSTICE, so the movie’s going to be dreary as piss by virtue of the fact there’s a 1% Snyder actually understands semantics that well. But Superman doesn’t crack a single smile for two and a half God forsaken hours. And the content in this movie? NONE OF THIS IS FOR KIDS. Jesus Christ, this movie. Kicks off with two parents getting gunned down at point blank. Okay. Next scene? ISIS executions. Facepalm. Guy dies in a brutal tower meltdown. Sure. Next scene? Guy loses his legs from melted scaffolding crushing them. Alright. Next scene? Female sex slaves trapped in a dungeon. Zack. Next scene? A suicide bomber wipes out Capitol Hill and Superman stands stoically as countless bodies burn to death around him. Snyder. Next scene? Brutal bondage torture porn photos of Superman’s KIDNAPPED MOTHER are shown. Stop. Next scene? Batman goes neo-nazi and gasses the fuck out of a Superman that just wants to explain his mom is in danger. For. Next scene? Batman BRUTALLY (and entirely unjustifiably) POUNDS THE FUCK OUT OF A DEFENSELESS SUPERMAN THAT JUST WANTS TO SAVE HIS MOM UNTIL HE SHIFTS TO CUTTING SUPERMAN’S FACE WITH INTENT TO SLOWLY STAB HIM THROUGH THE CHEST. Fuck’s. Next scene? Superman, while in space, gets nuked and turned into a moldy piece of half skeleton. Sake. Next scene? SUPERMAN GETS SLOWLY GUTTED THROUGH THE CHEST BY DOOMSDAY AND IS THEN REMOVED FROM DOOMSDAY’S BONE ARM TO REVEAL THE MASSIVE GAPING WOUND (you can see the meat and shit exposed). Fuck this movie. I cannot, under ANY circumstances, advise bringing a kid to this. Honestly, this cut of it should be rated R. It’s brutal torture porn for people who like twisted bloody carnage-embroiled fan fiction. I get it, DC likes dark gritty shit hurrdurrdurr, but this? This movie has scared kids out of theatres. That is NOT what two of the most uplifting superheroes in history should be doing to children who are supposed to aspire to be like the caped saviors. I cannot emphasize how irresponsible of a parent you are if you take a kid to see this; honestly, you should’ve been sterilized a long time ago if you read the above description of events and still wish your sub-13 kid a fun time at the movie.
For full disclosure, I don’t mind dark. But only if it’s smart. Anything less than intelligent darkness is, by nature, stupid and thus disrespectful to the source material. And if unintelligibly dark nonsense is a true sign of disrespect then Zack Snyder, David S. Goyer and Chris Terrio might as well have just pissed on a piece of paper and called it a script.
Anyway, moving on. Next major issue: both parts of the title are LIES. Dawn of Justice? No, it’s just a lot of shoehorned-in teasers for the Justice League movie. This whole movie is a collection of teaser trailers. Like, they explicitly show teaser trailers back to back at one point for the upcoming movie. Weak. And Batman, who up until the very end downright detests Superman, instantly decides they should form a Justice League to avenge the Man of Steel’s death. Fuck off, writers.
And Batman v Superman? No. More like, Batman pulls a Bill Cosby and drugs the fuck out of Superman while mercilessly hammering him for two minutes. The whole thing is a two minute affair, by the way. Just Batman bullying the fuck out of innocent Supes for two minutes before they share their mom’s names and make up. David S. Goyer and Chris Terrio, honestly, if you both drowned tomorrow no one would miss you.
The plot? Give me a break. It’s convoluted as piss and ONLY functions on the grounds that Superman neglects to use his, um, I dunno, super-hearing or super-sight at predetermined points so that a major catastrophe can occur. And the only reason the Batman v Superman fight itself happens is because Batman flips a switch halfway through the movie and becomes an unreasonable jerk-off that won’t listen long enough to realize he needs to help a guy save his mom. Seriously, the motivation for the fight is SO WEAK. There’s a two year period for Bruce to calm down since the events of Man of Steel, but what gets him riled up again to the point of wanting to instigate an actual fight? Superman being framed. That’s right, not Superman himself doing something wrong. But the media OPENLY ADMITTING THAT IT WAS AN ATTEMPTED FRAME JOB TO MAKE SUPERMAN LOOK BAD. THAT is what pushes Battfleck over the line. What the hell.
Next up: Lex Luthor, AKA Jesse Eisenberg thinking he’s a budget Joker. He starts off alright but his mental deterioration is so uncalled for. And why is he able to override the Kryptonian security protocols? Oh, because he said so? Thanks, screenwriters. Really earn those paychecks. Fuckboys. Circling back to the nonsensical plot, wouldn’t it have made a lot more sense for Bruce Wayne and Lex to team up and have Bruce want to fight Superman from THAT position? Two billionaires who hate the alien teaming up until one of them realizes Supes is a good guy? How did the writers miss the most easy, perfect setup in the world? Finding a justification for Batman to be a dick to Superman in that situation would’ve been so much easier than the nonsense reasoning on show in the actual flick.
Oh, and there’s one last thing. Doomsday. CGI mess of a showdown that ramps up the movie from gritty pseudo-realism to absolute video game within a time span of twenty minutes.
I lied, one more thing on top of that. The dream sequence. It’s stupid as fuck, out of place, the Flash makes an awful cameo and it’s once again just another teaser for the usual Dawn of Justice teaser reel that is this two and a half hour piece of shit. Honestly, it’s worse than Gods of Egypt in retrospect, because at least that mess didn’t have expectations going for it beforehand. This? This thing soared up to the skies only to slam its audience right down into the fucking pavement.
The saddest part? A third of the movie is EXTREMELY promising. Like, best superhero movie of all-time promising. I know people hate seeing Batman’s origins again, but this one was done so touchingly and beautifully on a cinematic level that I can’t help put appreciate it. And the Batman-race-to-save-Martha scene? Awesome. Basically, besides Batman’s actual titular fight with Supes, the bat is the best part of this whole movie. His shit is great.
Which is why I’ll be boycotting all DC movies until Affleck’s solo outing somewhere post-2020.
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