Review of Star Trek for Xbox 360 — Set Phasers to Meh

Star Trek is that one video game where you know the developers thought they were bad-asses, probably tapping each others’ shoulders to say “hey, check out that one rad reference to Star Trek I just included” and then they’d both giggle for hours on end feeling like digital Jesus incarnate. But the truth of the matter is that if they’d bothered to poke their heads out of their asses for the past three years of supposed “game development”, they’d understand that ANY game on the market does every component of Star Trek eons better than Star Trek itself. I can’t even begin to explain how much this saddens me, as Star Trek was my favorite movie of 2009 and considering my level of excitement for Star Trek: Into Darkness, I just can’t believe the game of the movie sucks this much. Whoever was in charge of this project should quit game development, go home, and think about what they’ve done for a very long time (I’m talking decades).imagesCA0GNO5G

There are tons of elements to Star Trek, none of them impressive in the slightest. There’s the so-linear-it-should-be-a-cutscene platforming bits, horribly bland third person shooting segments, tedious and overly used hacking minigames, extremely brief skydiving bits and ONE space battle with the Enterprise. It’s on-rails, and it lasts about four minutes. In a game called Star Trek which has one of the most famous spaceships of all time under its hood, there is only one space battle and it’s on rails. One developer boldly went where no idiot has ever gone before.

There’s not much more to say about the game, as what was mentioned in the last paragraph really sums up the whole experience. I’m not glossing over anything, as everything you’ll do in Star Trek really and truly is that generic and simple. There was a single moment in the game where I was mildly excited, and that’s when Kurk had to fight Spock against his will. It was the only moment I felt anything for Star Trek other than the desire to vomit on the game disc.

As far as the story goes, it’s better than a movie cash-in plot, but it’s nothing to call home about. The Gorn have stolen a device that rips holes in time and space, blah blah blah. The fact that Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto actually voice their respective characters from the movie is cool, but it’s not redeeming enough to bother even renting this game.

Star Trek definitely isn’t the worst game to ever hit store shelves, but it might be the worst to hit store shelves at FULL RETAIL PRICE. If you plan on ever checking this game out, don’t. Just watch the movies and accept that this game is a momumental failure, if only because of the hype built up behind it. If this had appeared out of the blue like a wild Charizard a week before the movie at a price of thirty dollars, it might’ve gotten some slack. But no, Star Trek can suck a Vulcan Pulse Cannon and stay the hell away from any self-respecting gamer’s shelf.

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