Review of “The Bourne Legacy”

Ever tried to summarize an action movie to a friend in just three sentences, and the summary ends up sounding like an overdrawn piece of crap with little to no depth but lots of filler? And then your friend, based on your summary, decides to completely steer clear of the movie? That is what you should do with the Bourne Legacy. Summarize it accurately and crap-tastically to a friend, sparing them the pain of seeing it themselves.

Jason Bourne is nowhere to be found in the entire two and a half hour snooze-fest, instead, the movie follows Hawkeye- *cough* whoops, I mean “Aaron Cross (Jeremy Renner). Honestly, they’re the same person in terms of physical and mental capacity. The only difference is that Hawkeye has a team of bad-asses to back him up and make his movie epic. Here, poor Aaron Cross only has Rachel Weisz (who portrays Dr. Marta Shearing), who’s makeup is constantly running the one hundred meter dash across her cheeks as eighty percent of her screen time consists of crying. And making Aaron feel like a little lab rat. Oh, and some more crying.

I don’t even need to mention the plot, as if you’ve ever seen an action/spy movie, or ever watched Fox News, you’ll get it instantly. Conspiracies, underhanded deals and betrayal. That pretty much sets the scene for Renner to run around the globe for two hours, and then have a half-hearted motorcycle chase with the asian terminator (Louis Ozawa Changchien). Worse yet, that’s the only real action sequence in the entire movie, and was so stretched out it gave Joan Rivers’ plastic surgery a run for its’ money.

Completely unrelated to previous topics, I have to *SPOILER* mention that this movie has the crappiest ending I’ve seen all year, easily on par with the original Mass Effect 3’s. Seriously, dramatic chase, bullet to the butt, screen fades, and everyone’s talking on a boat together. Then this loud-ass horn starts blaring, and you’re thinking “Oh, it’s the government, the movie is finally gonna get exciting” but then Rachel Weisz says a cheesy pick-up line to Renner and that crappy fog horn turns into the end credits music. What the flaming Bourne Legacy.

There’s nothing more really to say about The Bourne Legacy. At first, I feel bad about being so harsh and upfront about this movie, but then I remember watching it. And I lose all guilt.

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